5 Style Points for Your Next ER Visit

Everybody ends up taking a trip to the ER some time. Hopefully your visit will be minor in nature when it does occur. Here are a few style points for your trip, if I may make the suggestions:

1. Don’t make up numbers or stories

One woman brought in her child who had been sick with the virus of the week. I gently inquired about having any fevers and the mother told me that her child had been running a fever of 109F. In the beginning of the year I used to try to explain that this really is impossible, but nowadays I just write it on the chart in quotes, frown a bit, and say “I see.” Later in the story I found out that the mother didn’t actually even have a thermometer and was guessing (lying).

Moral of the story: Just be honest and we’ll try to take good care of you. if you’re kid felt like they had a fever and you tell me as such, I’ll believe you and take you seriously. Just don’t lie to me or make up numbers.

2. Don’t feed your kid Burger King before you come for an injury with a high likelihood of needing surgery

This one’s easy. If your child requires surgery or even some sedation medicine so that they can safely sleep through a painful procedure, it is imperative that they not have a full stomach. For the most part, we don’t like any food or drink for the last several hours. So, please, don’t stop at Burger King on the way to the hospital when your kid has a broken arm (true story), and don’t feed them Cheetos and Mountain Dew while they’re waiting in the room to be seen.

An empty stomach is important in many situations, and unless your child is diabetic and needs to eat to avoid hypoglycemia, just hold off on the junk food until we know where we’re going with the visit.

3. Don’t think that calling an ambulance from the waiting room will somehow get you in faster

It doesn’t work, trust me. A woman was upset with the amount of time she was spending in the waiting room, so she thought she’d somehow manipulate the system and called an ambulance to pick her up in the waiting room and “deliver” her through the ambulance entrance. The “secret” that people don’t realize is that highly trained nurses know everyone who’s in the waiting room, as well as why you’re there waiting. The ER is forced to work on a triage system wherein the sickest people and actual emergent problems get attention first. We really don’t use a restaurant system where the first to come are the first to get served.

I honestly do have empathy for patients who endure a long wait in the ER. I try to accommodate them as quickly as possible, and I understand that there are occasions when honest people need an honest visit to the ER for non-emergent problems. But if that’s the case, just realize that we do see people who are literally dying and may not be able to see you as quickly as you’d prefer.

And if you do come by ambulance, you can be sure you’ll also get sorted accordingly. Many people come in through the ambulance doors and are promptly transported to the waiting room to wait (if appropriate)- just like the woman above who started out there in the first place.

4. Do bring back pizza

All patients are VIP’s and get treated as if they were a family member- there’s no room for bribes, tips, or special favors in the ER since everyone gets top treatment.

That said, showing gratitude is always appreciated in an often thankless job. One evening, after sewing up a small child’s forehead, I was surprised to see the child’s father return an hour later with a stack of steaming pizza boxes he purchased as a token of appreciation to the staff in the ER. The father brought in the pizza’s, reminded everyone of how thankful he was for the care his child received, and promptly left again.

By this time in my shift, I was tired and hungry and this 50 cents worth of pizza that I was able to quickly inhale was the best tasting pizza ever- and exactly what I needed to make it through the rest of the night.

5. Do turn off the TV when I come in the room

Did I miss the sign out front that says “Come for the injury, Stay for the free cable”?

Nothing bothers me more than trying to get an accurate history of what happened to your kid and being unable to get through the story because you can’t take your attention away from the Jerry Springer Show. Do me a favor and when I come in the room, kindly turn the TV off and bring your focus to the problem at hand. I’m here to help, but I can’t help if the cat-fight on TV has all your attention and I’m forced to figure everything out through Jedi mind-reading tricks.